What Should You Talk About Before Having Kids?
Life coach and 10-year old mummy Su-Ann Phillips talks about the difficult decisions couples have to confront — kids. What do you do or say when one partner isn’t ready?
Having the talk with your husband or wife about having kids will add a new dimension of sharing in your relationship — not only are your sharing your lives but sharing the possibility of raising another life as a unit.
Having a child involves a lot of careful planning. From logistics (creating a space in your home) to financial planning (do you have enough savings for immediate expenses for the child), you need to honest with your partner about your expectations.
So if you’re thinking about starting a family but you’re not sure how to broach the subject with your husband/wife or what to talk about, this article will help!
These are my 4 important aspects to address:
#1 What is it about having children that is important to you and your partner?
This is a key question to ask yourself as it uncovers a few things between couples such as the motivations to dreams, values as well as fears connected with having children. A good practice to start this conversation is to get a sense of where you and your partner stand in terms of having kids.
I coach my clients to listen to their partner’s concerns and/or fears behind the questions they ask. Your partner may ask “once the baby comes along, will you have time for me?” — your partner is not just telling you his/her openness to having children but is also telling you his/her fears that your couple time will be compromised.
Compare this with the way this next concern is phrased, “You won’t have time for me when the baby comes.” Your partner’s objection is higher and more pronounced in this instance — the fear of children taking your attention is obvious.
#2 ‘Are you ready?’ questions
This is a broad question and ranges from “are you in good physical shape to have a child?” (Applies to both the would-be father/mother) to “how much money will we need to have in our savings plan?” type of questions.
The way to broach an ‘are you ready for kids?’ question is for both parties to talk about having children and parenting in a forward and goal-oriented manner. Did you notice that this question assumes that the answer will be a yes? If you feel pressured or object to it, reply with a “maybe” to give yourself time to think and to prevent an unproductive argument.
#3 Finding solutions to both your fears on having kids
If you have uncertainties and/or fears about having children or raising them, broach these fears as questions. Seek solutions by sharing them as a query and open the topic up for debate. But there is a right way to ask these questions. The last thing you want is to lead this serious subject into an argument.
Note the following ways to pose a question. Which ones open up a productive discussion:
- (a) Who will be the sole breadwinner? VS (b) Will one of us need to stop work?
- (a) Who will be in charge of household matter? VS (b) Who will cook and clean?
- (a) How will our child be taken care of on a daily basis? VS (b) Who will take care of our child?
- (a) How will we continue to grow our romantic relationship? VS (b) How will our relationship change?
As you can see, the (a) questions are neutral, takes a positive stance and encourages a discussion.
#4 Look into the future: how will you raise your child?
Many couples forget to talk about their future, beyond the birth of the baby. Raising a child is a commitment for life! Parenting cannot happen in a split second — this is an experience where you and your partner will learn, make mistakes and grow from there.
It is a good habit to talk about what your parenting style will be like, right from the start of approaching this topic, so you familiarise yourself with yours and your partner’s parenting methods.
This is where a lot of couples may encounter differing opinions. You were both raised differently with diverging influences. So how do you reconcile them?
“Start by listening. Listen for understanding. If your partner says something that differs from your opinion, note that your partner means it. If you truly want to start conversations about having children, you first need to understand where your partner is coming from. That is, and will always be your starting point.”
Look for ways to compromise by addressing where the issue or concern lies. You can’t have half a baby but you can adopt a 10-year-old and bypass the sleepless/helpless baby stage (if that is where the issue lies). You might not have a million dollars saved up for your precious child but you can find ways to save on expenses (if that is the point of contention).
Always try again. Even if the first attempt does not give you the outcome you are hoping for, continuing the conversation about children will add a new dimension to your relationship. This conversation helps you gain better insights on what you and your partner want and hope for in living together.
We all want to be better at sharing our fears and solving them with our partner. Join me as I share how parenting can be easy, once you’ve cut out all the noise. Focus on YOU. Create your own parenting style and own it. To find out more about what’s in store for you as a parent, join our TruSelf™ Quick-Bites workshop!
